I haven't posted here in years and there is a good reason why. I haven't written anything for the last few years and that leads back to my first point. I don't think anyone comes to this blog anymore. I feel better writing though. I haven't done so in so long, and I'm just learning to pick up what I thought has been missing all this while. The mind is a fragile thing. 3 years ago I was optimistic. I was 22, and there was nothing that could stop me from being.

There was no realisation of being, everything just sort of fell into place. I didn't even had to know that I wanted to be something, to be somebody, it just came to me naturally. The mind is a fragile thing. The mind is our nest; Our nest of dreams. I woke up one morning and knew that I wanted to be a geologist. I wanted to travel the world. Friends gave me Lonely Planet books. I wasn't by any means lonely, even though I had no special someone back then. I was constantly enchanted by my dreams, and I had these ideals of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was in university for a very long time, it was the best time for a mind to grow. The campus is my womb and my mind gestate inside of it. I emerged a different person - more capable , and more confident. Yet I still retained my child-like dreams and hope. I was naive and bold. And I had these ideals.

Then I started working. But this was not the thing that killed my passion. I was happy. The first few months were amazing. Then it got even better. More responsibilities. I lost interest a while after, but I was still dedicated to my job - and I still am. However, I became more drained as time went by. I cannot stand to work in a place that stifled my creativity. It's not their fault though. I can't blame them for my laziness. But why did I became so lazy and content with everything? By no means was I content. Failure is not an option. I was brought up believing that if I put my mind to it I can do it. Anything I set my mind to. I had this cupholder from the Smithsonian institute, and it says "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION". I got through Year 12 and the first few years of Uni with that quote.

Then I got lazy.

I think the reason is because I realised that I didn't need to put much effort to actually do good at anything, and this made me content. I can't believe it. All this time, I wasted all these hours not applying myself. And this hurts. So why the sudden realisation? I am not in a good state. I'm depressed, despite what everyone says, but I am. I lost motivation. Somewhere along the line I lost my dreams. And I was sick of being tired all the time. I'm sick of not being able to write well anymore. I'm sick of being tired and crying most nights. I'm sick and tired of losing my mind after a long day of work and going home and having to do so many things and everything just piles up. 3 years ago I didn't have so many responsibilities and it is clear that I don't take responsibilities very well. If there is more hours in a day then yes, I would be able to cope but these days I would sleep at 3 in the morning and wake up at 6 to walk the damn dog. It's not that I don't love my life. It's great. But being content with everything killed me. It is NOT a one-time thing. It didn't happen overnight. It's the same as this thing I'm writing right now. Things don't change overnight.

 But I've had it.

 I am incredibly exhausted and I thought about ending it all some nights. The kitchen knife to the wrist, maybe. But that's stupid, it's not the way to do it. THIS IS NOT THE DAY I DIE.

THIS IS NOT THE DAY I DIE.

 I am exhausted, and I just realised how incompetent I am with some things that I thought I would be good at. But fucking hell, that's my entitlement speaking. All this fucking time. I'm terrible at driving, and programming. But that's OK. One at a time. ONE AT A TIME. I'm learning to breathe again, to do it all one at a time. I know that's what I've been saying. But I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of going home like this everynight. This is a start. I will write again. I will finish my goddamn book. I will learn to fucking drive. I will learn to fucking code. And I'm going to play so well in my band that we're going to get a gig by next year. Fucking A. I'm excited. I'm playing catch up with my expectations. This is going to be great. I'm fucking back. We're going to do it. Welcome back to iRectify.